The Inner Critic

There is this gloomy room with nothing more than a few chairs. The air hung heavy and resists to take a rest on them. Some rays of sunshine find their way through the filthy windows and watch the shadows they’ve created. You could sense the tension even tough no one seems to be there.

But then, the silence was broken.

“Hello, my name is Hugo and honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m here. I feel left behind. As if it is not important what I have to say or if I’m there at all.”

“Welcome Hugo, nice to have you here. It’s quite a step to show up and share your thoughts.”

“The last months have been tough for me. She ignored me, didn’t listen, or turned the music up so that she couldn’t hear me. It’s frustrating and I don’t know what to do or what has changed. As if she is shutting me out.”

“That must be hard for you.”

“It’s questioning my whole existence. I miss the days when I got through to her. When she was second guessing and was open to my words. The days when she was insecure and confused, so I could pull her close and tell her: ‘You are so naïve. You did it all wrong. You always do.’ These are the moments which bring me energy and joy. When my voice gets loud in her head that she cannot think straight. When all that matters in the end are my criticizing words.”

“What do you think has changed?”

“It all started when she started to call me Hugo. She mumbled something like: ‘If I give the voice in my head a name and personify it, I might be able to take a step back and do not take it so serious.’ To make things even worse she started to call her belly ‘Spark’. I never understood the concept of a gut feeling. Or feelings in general. How could I compete with something which doesn’t even speak? How could I tell what it is thinking? There is no way for me to fight it with my words or pull it on my side.”

“How are you dealing with it?”

“It takes me some effort to overcome it and her. At least sometimes I manage to overcome her childish ideas. My time to shine is when she must make a decision. It doesn't matter if they are small or big – she totally sucks in that. I can best support her by pointing out why either decision will lead to a bad outcome, and she will die alone. Or at least that everyone will hate and abandon her.

But the moments where she shuts me out completely become more and more. At first it was just when she got out of her everyday life, like traveling. Now it’s already enough if she simply takes a walk in the woods during her lunch break. It’s also giving me a hard time if she thinks about others and tries to support them. Somehow that makes her more self-confident without second guessing herself. My nemesis are the moments where she is truly happy and is not thinking at all – just feeling.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“I don’t care about feelings. I just want to be heard. She cannot deny me. I’m a part of her.”

“And she wants to be heard from you as she is a part of you as well. You both need to express some empathy towards each other.”

So I’m asking you: Who is talking to whom in the end?

It’s always you.